woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
