No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
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She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
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I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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