Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
