So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
