Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
