I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
