You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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