I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My vagina just recognized that song.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Randomize
