and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
