and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
The best revenge is premature balding
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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