I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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