i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
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she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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