the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
40s are totally the cure
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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