I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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