life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
