the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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