Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize