Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
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Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
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We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
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