@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
