Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
