I'm eating all of the evidence.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
