The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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