I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
