I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Found your dick twin last night
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
