community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm too high and old for this...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
