my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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