i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
How naked do you want me to be?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
