Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
