i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
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