I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
