No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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