As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
