one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
