Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
