After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
