She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
