wakey wakey hands off snakey
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
