i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
