What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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