Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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