The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
