i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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