saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Is it because I queefed?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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