I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
