@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
