If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
