she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
