pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
