finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Can you bring me the toilet please
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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