He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
