I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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