how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
