i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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