To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
