She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
