I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
